Saturday, July 28, 2007

When your mom gets run down by a buffer...

My mom actually did get run down by a buffer on Friday, you know the kind they use to buff the floor in the grocery store. They thought she broke her leg, instead she is just really banged up.

I had a really negative post regarding this subject and I decided to take it down. Truthfully there is nothing I can do from here but talk to her and offer support. Plus I realized that lately I have just been an a negativity binge. Believe it or not, I am usually not the pessimist. I realize now that I am using this forum to vent my emotions and frankly it makes me look bad.

So instead I am going to use this as a parable of sorts. Sometimes it is easy to get run down by an emotional "buffer". Being negative truly sucks the creative juices out of a person. I have decided not to do this anymore. Instead I am going to know that from where I am right now all I can offer my family (my siblings/mom) is prayers and a shoulder. But I can no longer allow them to emotionally blackmail me because I am not there. I have made my choice and I love where I am both physically and mentally. And lets be honest, all the baggage is keeping me from getting there emotionally.

I don't think it means I love them less. It just means I love them from a distance.

A message from your wife

Dear Husband,

Okay, I know, it's the middle of the night.

I can't sleep.

You are gone and I can't sleep.

Ugh, I tell you it's never been this bad.

It's not like we haven't been away from each other before. There have been times when I have been at my mother's for as long as 6 weeks. And I always go for more than a week and you very seldom comes with me (you don't like to go hang out in the po-dunk town, gee I wonder why!).

I know you have to go, a couple of times a year, out of town on business. Not often, but enough to make me miss you terribly. But this is different. This is bad.

The only difference I can figure is that you usually doesn't go during the summer. I am a terrible mom when it comes to summer. You know this, this is not news to you. All routine and schedules go out the window, terrible for our ASD kid. Apparently terrible for this slightly crazy mom.

I think I need the bump in my day/mood that comes when you get home. You know the one, the kids running and jumping on you right when you get in the door and then I get a big hug after you've cuddled the cute kids (cause it is cute that even Ed, who will probably be walking by the time you get home, speed crawls and screeches when Daddy walks through the door).

And then on Saturday, we plan our day around lawn mowing and hair cuts. But instead tomorrow you are getting up at 4 am to drive to San Diego so you can spend the day with your brothers at Comicon, yep you got it, a giant nerdfest of comic book lovers (I know you're not into comics so much as into hanging out with the bros). I rather you hang out with me, we wouldn't even have to go anywhere, I promise I won't complain.

Only one and a half more nights and one more day.

Please come home!

Your Loving, slightly neurotic wife...

Friday, July 27, 2007

This dress or not this dress that is the question

So I had a few errands to run today. Mostly going over to Dillards to return some shirts I bought CW last week for his trip. I bought 4, 2 I knew he would like and 2 I liked. Of course I returned the 2 I liked, why can't the man just bend to my will???? Oh well. I am in the mall (which I go to only to buy clothes for CW) and I decide to got to Nordstrom's. I never go there because frankly they are just too pricey for me, I am happy going to the Rack. But I have been searching for a dress for my bil's upcoming wedding and just haven't had any luck finding something I really wanted. Well of course I found a great dress, with sleeves (which is next to impossible) but out of my price range. I decide to buy it anyway and guess what! It's on sale! Yipee!

So what do you think? Obviously this is not me....hehe Is this too casual for a wedding? I am not use to attending real weddings, as a matter of fact I think I have only been to 2 that weren't traditional "mormon" weddings and one was my sister. So I don't really know what to wear. I really don't want to buy something I can't turn around and also wear to church (which I did for my sister and felt like it was a waste of money). So it was this (their colors are kelly green and brown, so is this too matchy/matchy) or black and white or red. Or should I keep looking.

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Pioneer Day

I remember as a child that the 3 stakes in our area always got together and had a huge Pioneer Day celebration. It was bigger by far than the 4th of July, as a matter of fact the only time there was a bigger "celebration" was during the county fair and only because for that one weekend there was a carnival in town. Anyway Pioneer Day was always accompanied by a large parade, lots of food, a big dance and fireworks. For weeks before we would talk about pioneers in primary. One year we even did thing they would do, my main memory of the primary activity was washing clothes on a wash board. I don't know why but that has always stuck with me. We as a family always had an interesting array of "pioneer" dresses, mostly long dresses resurrected from the early 70's, I was always jealous of the girls who had bonnets because my sisters and I never did. Of course dressing up was a prerequisite to participating in Pioneer Day, even when it was 115 degrees outside.

So as I was thinking about Pioneer Day today, I pulled from my bookshelves the Brown family history. These are the words written by my gggg grandfather Benjamin Brown upon reaching the Salt Lake Valley in September of 1847 "...we found the Pioneers and others of the Saints that had gone into the Valley, had been hard at work sowing all the winter, for every wagon had taken about two bushels of grain to raise wheat and the first inhabitants had raised a considerable quantity of vegetable also." He goes on to comment that 2 weeks after their arrival a large feast was held in celebration and everyone was invited. Unfortunately it left them in short supply of vegetables until the following summer. The tanacity of these people always amazes me. I am so fortunate to have such ancesters who bore such extreme hardships in order to provide the gospel for their posterity. What wonderful testimonies they leave of Joseph Smith and of the Book of Mormon. I am truly bless with such wonderful examples.

Monday, July 23, 2007

Sizzlin Summer Swap

So I got my stuff from the swap a few days ago (like last Thrusday) can I say, Rebecca is so good. Me, I procrastinated and did not send her stuff till today so...I didn't really feel good opening the box until I had hers sent out. But it's off in the mail so now I thought I would share my booty! Yipee :) always fun to get! I tried to put it in order of S-U-M-M-E-R

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
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Mommy Essential
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Recycle or Really cool
Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Thanks Rebecca!!! This is so great :)

Sunday, July 22, 2007

We Welcome you to Primary...Or not.

Can I just say, sometimes the frustration is overwhelming.

We have lived in this ward going on 2 years in October. If you don't already know our oldest son Alex has Asperger's Syndrome, this is a form of high functioning autism. Needless to say he can be a handful. He is however a truly loving, funny, happy boy. When we first came we sat down with the bishop and explained our situation. We need help. If one of us needs to be with him call us to teach his primary class. No no, don't worry we will have an extra body in the class someone just for him. However as I just found out today, with the change of regimes, comes problems. I realize that most if not all of this is my fault. I CHOSE to be blissfully unaware of any problem, I didn't not check up or check in, I figured if he started to be a problem they would warn me. Today was not a warning it was a bombshell.

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My Big Boy Alex

So for the 2nd week in a row I was called into primary. Last week I didn't know what the problem was, but CW had the baby and so I figured I could sit with him. I missed the closing song in RS (I am the chorister) but no big deal what is one week. Today was different. CW is out of town, so I am there on my own. I have Ed with me in RS, he is terribly tired and of course being 13 months old he cannot go to the nursery yet. So I lead the opening hymn and then take Ed out to the mother's room to rock him to sleep, he goes down, this lasted about 5 seconds as someone from the primary presidency comes in and says they need me to sit with Alex. He is out wandering the halls and doesn't want to go back in. He tells me he is bored and cannot sit inside anymore. He needs something to do. I *force* him to go back inside and sit. They are having sharing time and the kids are going up front to make butter (hey it's pioneer season right). He goes up and hangs out up in the front as classes rotate in and out having their turn to make butter. OK he's not bored anymore. I sit till the end, he is giving the scripture anyway, so he was excited to have me come in and hear him. He runs to the back and tells me how happy he is (all during the next boy's talk). I can see he is clearly disruptive. So why wasn't I told before that is was this out of control?

I talk to the primary president and ask if this was going to keep happening, she says she needs me in there every week. I tell her I have a calling, I know it's not a big calling but it's my calling and it happens to be only the last hour. She asks what *I* want her to do, she is the primary president and she or her counselors cannot always be taking care of him, she has to do her calling to. I told her about the arrangements we made with the bishop. She let me know that that no longer exists and further more she never knew anything about it. I am irritated and frustrated and taking it out on her. I feel badly now but in the heat of the moment I let it all out. She asks her counselor who was in the previous primary presidency if this was the case, the counselor says that last year there were 2 men in the class so there was always an extra hand but this year it is a husband/wife team and while the husband is the teacher, the wife has never been called to any primary position and is only in the class because of the new rules, so technically she isn't even in primary the 2nd hour plus when she can be there she has a young child (he is nursery age but doesn't like nursery)so she can't be the one "taking care" of him either. I tell her ok I will take it up with the bishop. I walk down the hall to find him and explain the problem. He is impatient with me, I know he can't help it, he's a busy man, it's Sunday. He tells me he will look into it.

So on the way home. I am pondering all of this. Asking myself what can I do about this. The only real viable solution is that one of us (and by one of us I mean me as CW has never really been able to teach a primary class, he gets just as bored as Alex, plus he doesn't sing, so Sharing time is no fun) teach his class. I am sorry but I won't be an unofficial babysitter, even to my own child. Give me a calling, make it official, give me the rights and responsibilities of a teacher and I am there. Maybe I am being unreasonable. I am his mother after all, but what is the purpose of primary if your child is different? Is there no room in Christ's teachings for my boy? Is the only place for him next to me? And what happens in 2 years when primary is over for him? He has been baptised and has the responsibility of that now. We can't just decide to stop coming although today I want to. I am completely at a loss.

Friday, July 20, 2007

Harry Potter ... The book and UPDATE

So we are going tonight down to Southlake to pick up the new book. I went this afternoon and got a ticket, we are in the 1st group of people who didn't reserve it. I should have I know but well...So we are buy 2 copies, not that CW really deserves one because generally he only reads the first few chapters and then skips to the end, BUT being as he is on a plane tomorrow morning for 3 hours he figures it gives him something to do.

So I finished the book Sunday night about 6pm. And can I just say. Halle-freakin-lujah. It was so excellent. I don't know how she did it, but she manage to close all the holes that she's created the last 2 books. I felt deliriously happy at the end. And wasn't even really sad that it's over. What a sigh of relief. aaaaahhhhhh.

Thursday, July 19, 2007

Update on the SEAT SEARCH

So I just know you all want to know. Did I find it?

Yeah, it was brown, not buying a brown suede seat for my gray van.

I did try it out though and they happened to have a handy dandy back seat right there in the store just so you could try and strap it in. Fairly easy, howevever in trying it out I discovered that it will have to be Lily's seat and Ed would get her old but almost new one. For one thing the Apex 65 is forward facing only and I don't think at 13 months I am ready to turn him around yet. So I will turn Lily's seat around (because it can be either forward or rear facing) and let Lily have the NEW new seat, it is a lot bigger in acutal size especially compared to the Raidan which is known for it's "slim design".

One foreseeable advantage is that seems to be significatly lighter and probobly a bit easier to carry around the airport or the likes.

I will order one online. I am going to try for the light blue and black design if I can find it under $130, but will settle for the blue on blue.

So I know you are all wondering why I am so crazy about all this...well I am not the best driver, mind you I haven't been in an accident in 10 years and that was just a slight fender bender (my cute little toyota truck met with the cast iron bumper of a big old 'burban) ok so I digress, but for me safer is much better than sorrier.

The Quest: In search of an Apex 65

I must must must buy a carseat for the baby.

He is totally outgrown the bucket and I have been putting off getting a new one waiting for the Sunshine kids Radian 65 to go down in price (I got Lily's for 129 incl shipping on Amazon), it's not going to happen.

I am not will to pay $200 for the Radian and I am really not willing to pay $250+ for the Britax (I would love to but can't).

I have researched the heck out of this thing and finally found a Cosco/Saftey 1st seat called the Apex 65 which has the latch and tethers to 48 pounds and harness to 65. I want to see it though before I buy.

I called BRU and they don't have any in Hurst but they have them at Hulen, so we go.

Hopefully I love it because it have the features of the Radian/Britax at a much lower cost ($119).

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

I am marinating

I haven't left the house in 2 days.

I am FORCING myself to go to the park for the kids sake. They need to leave the house. I have read 2 book since Saturday and have started a 3rd, not a good sign.

I want to go to the library but don't want to drag all 3 kids. My children and the library are like oil and water. None of them has any volume control at all. If I let Alex go off and look for his own stuff, I can hear him...everywhere. Lily becomes an expert escape artist. No one is a stranger for her, especially not the scary man with the beard (are you my grandpa has a grandpa plays the you play the drums...can I go home with you...will you be my grandpa...I miss my grandpa...his beard is white) I don't know who was more terrified, me or the poor homeless man she was harassing.

Anyway, the summer and I have a love/hate relationship, I can't believe there are still 6 weeks left. I need a diet coke. :)

Thursday, July 12, 2007

Harry Potter.... The movie

So I went last night and saw the movie. It is not something I usually do, going it alone. Usually I wait for CW and I to have some time, it almost never happens though and I was anxious to see this one. Man he is so grown up. The angst was palpable, being a teenager ugh I remember feeling like that. I loved the movie, the fight between good and evil. It was really dark though and to be honest I felt down afterwards. It was very very good though. I can't wait till next week to read the book....

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Ding Dong...Wedding bells are ringing.

So my brother in law, the baby, is getting married next month...

We of course will be attending with bells on :) to help celebrate the wedding of the happy couple. We are happy to go. So what's the problem you ask. Weeeelllllll, here it is in a nutshell. My husband loves to plan, it's a great quality, just not on vacation. Now I know some people like to have their itinerary all planned out for a trip. This my dears is not my idea of fun. My husband however is "afraid" to be bored. He is not into "the sit around and catch up" thing. Me, if they had a competition for yakking, well I'd take the cake. In other words there is nothing I enjoy more. So I guess I am just saying.... I don't wanna, I don't wanna, I don't wanna, plan that is. Now you see why things go a little cattywampas when I am in charge. Planning must be done. Oh ugh.

Monday, July 9, 2007

My 4 Favs.

Four jobs I've held:
US Forest Service, worked up on Mt. Graham building and clearing trails. Loved it.

Novell, was an operator.

Countrywide Home Loans, Foreclosure Specialist, I work for 2 years between Alex and Lily. It was a love/hate relationship and I was happy to leave when Alex was diagnosed with Asperger's

Special Ed Aid, I sat with Alex every day for 2 months (in school) until they were able to hire a full time aid to be with him. Wouldn't have been too bad except I started when I was 8 months pregnant. Those little kid chairs are killer when you are lugging around 8lbs of baby.

Four Movies I can watch over and over again:
Pride and Prejudice
Romeo & Juliet the Leonardo version
Some Kind of Wonderful
Big Fish

Four Places I have Lived:
Thatcher Arizona
Tempe Arizona
Salt Lake City Utah
Simi Valley California

Four T.V. Shows I Watch:
Dead Zone (I just love that the main actor is Anthony Michael Hall from 16 candles)
Ugly Betty

Four Places I've been on Vacation:

Santa Barbara (we stayed at a really lovely inn their)
Seattle (went to see CW's dad but did a lot of fun stuff)
Grand Canyon/Bryce (I have been several times but in 2004 we went to the North Rim, which I have to say is way better than the south)
Las Vegas (I took CW on a little get away and we actually went dancing, can you imagine haha)

Four Fav. Foods:
Mac and Cheese (the good baked kind not the box)Dalt's Grill in Burbank
Steak Del Frisco's
Sushi Taste of Asia
Anything made by my mom (Tamales are my fav)

Four websites I visit:
Executive Homemaker
Good Reads
Baby Center

Four People I'm Tagging: now you guys copy it and tag four more people

Friday, July 6, 2007

Some thoughts on love

I have struggled with words for the last few days. Words to write here. Words to tell my mom. Words to comfort my friend. I am at a loss. I am a girl divided. I have finally come to a crossroads. To blog or not to blog. I have decided to blog and hope for forgiveness if this is inappropriate.

I went to a beautiful funeral today. The building was full. Of people and flowers. It was lovely to hear the tributes given. My beautiful friend, spoke so eloquently of her mother. I was moved as she spoke of her mother having faith and hope and charity. I was amazed. The music was lovely. I especially enjoyed the special number, The Trumpets Shall Sound, which is from the Messiah. My dad actually sang this, he was a wonderful singer, who loved the Messiah. Anyway after the funeral, family and friends were invited to gather at my friend's parent's home. It is a beautiful home in the very heart of Fort Worth. It was full of people who loved this woman dearly. I was there because I love my friend and I wanted her to know.

I thought about love all day. My mom and I have had an on going argument, do we as humans actually have an endless capacity to love? I say yes, she says no. Can you love a stranger? I say yes, she says no. Can you love innumerable children the same? We both say no. Me because I don't think you can love any child the same, I think we love our children for different reasons, not less just different. She sees her love as finite limited to the six children she has (although now that I think about it she loves her grandchildren, I think she just thinks there should be a limit). We disagree on so many things and it makes me wonder what my own mother, the one who gave birth to me, would believe. Thus the reason I am divided. I love two mothers equally but differently. In some ways I know she feels this is a betrayal. I just feel God has blessed me with endless capacity to love, I think he blesses us all with this gift. She asked me today how I can love this friend though I barely know her. I don't know the answer, it just is.

So today I say to my friends, I love you, with no reasons really except for that you have touched my heart and taken me in when I most needed friends. I have always loved the poem that goes like this... Make new friends, but keep the old, one is silver and the other is gold.

Monday, July 2, 2007

Where is my magic wand when I need it?

Now seriously. I just hate cleaning. Now I know it has to be done. I am just not good doing it on my own. I grew up in a family where we all helped and I guess that made it seem like there was less to do. I know now that my mom did all the hard icky parts and we did the easy stuff because that is how it is now.

Sigh...Yesterday afternoon Lily decided to flood the bathroom, hall, laundry room and part of the dining room. Luckily this was not an overflowing toilet (YUCK) she got some ink on the sink, which I have been after her about not coloring on anything but paper, so getting ink on the sink meant that she was trying to clean it off rather than have me see it and get after her. She plugged the sink (which has no overflow holes) and proceeded to flood the affor mentioned rooms. Which led to me having to suck the water out of the carpet, which btw we figured out later to be about 20 gallons of water. Lucky me.

Being as I had the carpet cleaner out and ready after the kids were in bed I shampooed the carpet in the downstairs family room, now the thing isn't that hard to run but it takes time to do it. I have to say it is quite a handy appliance especially in a tight spot. I also cleaned the family room couch and chair this afternoon so at least things will be almost decent for when Ben gets here.

I really need to wipe down the inside of the fridge while Ed is sleeping as he would love to live in the fridge and always makes a beeline when ever the door is open. I told CW that I would clear out the office and take a bunch of unneeded stuff up to the storage for him, but being in here just leads to computer temptation. So here I am, wondering where my wand is, so I can get all these things done before his brother gets here but still have time to do stuff like read my friends blogs, shop on etsy, and send emails to my sister. Ugh... OK I should get back to it. It doesn't mean I have to like it though.